Preteens and Teens: Talking to Your Teens
Few things are more critical to the parent-teenager relationship than good communication. Good communication requires talking and listening. When asked about their problems with parents, teenagers most often say that their parents don't listen to them.
The benefits of talking and listening to your teenagers are endless. Good communication with your teenagers strengthens the bond between you. It shows them that what they have to say is important to you. It enables you to learn about their hopes and fears, ideas and ambitions, thoughts and feelings.
Here are some suggestions to help you establish good communication with your children:
- Give your undivided attention when your teenager wants to talk to you. Don’t read, watch TV, fall asleep, express disinterest, or make yourself busy with other tasks.
- Try to listen calmly, even when there is a difference of opinion. Concentrate on hearing and understanding your teenager’s point of view. Don’t preach when a true dialogue is wanted.
- Develop a courteous tone of voice. Respect brings respect. If your talk to your teenagers with respect, they may be more inclined to confide in you. If you respond harshly or abruptly, you will arouse hostility. A pleasant tone of voice can pay great dividends in improved relationships.
- Avoid making judgments. If you are consistently critical of your teenagers' behavior, they will avoid confiding in you. You do not have to approve of everything your teens do and say, but it is important that you understand their feelings. Although it can be challenging, try to be firm about important values while being flexible enough to bend.
- Keep the door open on any subject. Too often teenagers avoid discussing things that may make their parents—or them—feel uncomfortable. Belittling, humiliating, and laughing at children can cause deep wounds and short-circuit the lines of communication. Teenagers often pay a very high price for not having the right information about many subjects, including sex.
- Face the facts. When you talk about the facts of life, your teens will probably tell you they know all about it. Talk about it anyway. Teenagers need to know the values, risks, and consequences that go along with the facts.
- Permit expression of ideas and feelings. Many young people have their own ideas about morality, marriage, work, education, time, money, and other parts of life. Their views on these topics may differ from yours. As teenagers, your children will develop some beliefs that they maintain for life; other beliefs will evolve throughout the course of their lives. Young people often test their ideas in conversation. To communicate, you must be willing to listen and acknowledge their opinions, even if they alarm you. Then give your viewpoints as plainly and honestly as you can, recognizing that love and respect can exist, even when points of view are different.
- Encourage self-worth. Help your teenagers build confidence by encouraging, but not forcing, participation in sports, music, art, dance, or any other hobby or interest.
- Be aware of how you treat other children in the family. Do you show favoritism? This could make children feel rejected, unloved, and jealous. Try to be fair and consistent. It will pay off.
- Make an effort to say nice things. Don't focus too heavily on poor performance and behavior. Every human being needs acceptance and appreciation.
- Hold family conferences. Most teenagers feel they have little voice in family affairs. Family gatherings offer an excellent opportunity for children to participate in decision making and for families to work problems out together.
- Get help if you feel you need it. If the stresses of raising teenagers are overwhelming you, help is available. You can reach the Prevention Information Resource Center and Parent Helpline from anywhere in New York State, 24 hours a day, in English and Spanish, at 1-800-342-7472. Someone will listen to your concerns and give you information about programs and services for parents and teenagers in your community.
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